A needed change, a new life .

Two weeks after writing  my last entry ,I started praying for guidance on how to treat my husband and how to be a better wife. But like usual I was being selfish asking God to make my husband see my pain and my anger. I kept begging that Kevin would understand with my health struggles that I was not going to be the stay at home mother he wanted me to be . Soon I noticed he would come home more angry than when he left, he would complain about dinner not being made and the house being a mess. He would not have sympathy for me when I told him that I wasn't feeling well. While I was really not feeling well, I would often stay up all night and then choose not to get up and clean the house . We already had hired someone to come and clean so that I wouldn't get overwhelmed, but even with her help I was allowing the laundry to pile up (mostly ours) and things to get so unorganized that we where often digging through piles of paperwork to find bills. Things became so bad that I finally threatened to walk out, I was sick of cleaning up after him and the children . He returned back that he was done too, he was sick of working all day and then be expected to come home and help me around the house. I remember marching to my room and slamming the door and then crying my eyes out. I can't tell you everything I said in prayer because some of those thoughts where so hateful. I begged God with all my heart while my head was on the floor and my hands where in a fist. I begged him to soften my heart, that because of my past I am insecure. My choices in life till now was the reason I was so scared of submitting, letting go, and trusting that everything would be ok! Finally I stopped crying , gathered myself up and walked out of the room. Kevin was on the floor playing with the boys making them laugh and giggle by silly antics, our daughter was watching gleefully on and laughing as well. What happened opened my eyes and I heard in my head " see what I can do , you prayed years ago to be a mother and a wife. Do you not have exactly what you want? Did I not fulfill a prayer?" Finally our eyes met and I saw that twinkle that had sent me head over heels for him. An hour before we could no stand each other, but here we where looking at each other like we had the first day we met. That night we managed to heal wounds and talk through the issues we where having. However I knew just talking it over wouldn't be enough either. I prayed again that the Lord would guide me and allow me the wisdom to start making better and less self driven strides to be a better wife.

A few days later I was browsing through Facebook and ran into a page. It was a woman writing about her struggles with her marriage. While our lives where so different , we struggled with some of the same things. Her marriage was also much different than mine, she had been a virgin at her wedding. I however was far from the pure and untouched bride that in my youth I had strived to be. Reading on I also read about several women who where virgins on their wedding night struggling to figure out where to start. I almost wanted to go through the screen and say what where you not told and why are you so lost. I stopped and sighed as I remember I was too lost about where to even start. I had managed to walk away alive out of a rape, survived an abusive relationship and then managed to make it work with my husband. I realized that God has a purpose for being lost the first time, can you imagine knowing everything about your spouse and then not having anything to discover? How boring would that be? I continued to read through the vast amounts of articles and then stumbled on a article about how our actions directly effect our husbands attitude and then I read about how I should submit, but not feel powerless. Suddenly I was this knowledge hungry woman! I would read the articles and then go in my bible and make notes and highlight the verses that spoke to me. Slowly I became this different being. I would find myself browsing more and more blogs and websites. I finally prayed again and said 

" Lord if this is your will for me, give me the drive to be a better wife and more intimate with you. Let nothing come between us and let me learn how I am to be. Lord I am asking you to also bless my marriage and forgive the both of us for our sins. Let me understand the love that Christ has for his church." 

As these words poured out I smiled feeling free of the pain and the hurt that had been building on my shoulders. I felt Jesus come and say let go and let me carry this for awhile .  I knew and know that I will stumble again. I will have a bad day and be out of sorts and I will have a time when my flesh is weak. I however now have hope that God will never leave my side. That I have started to let go and allow myself the chance to heal and give myself the new me to shine, the pure me to shine. 

 

Beautifully broken Part 2 : Meeting my husband and learning what love is how God intended for us

7 years ago we met through friends and had one of those whirlwind romances. At the time both of us where very immature and we where both looking for a quick fix to our broken hearts. I was a single mom, Kevin was a lonely and broken Ssgt in the US Air Force. We both had blows to our hearts as young teens/adults and were so confused on how to live life and how to love. Both of us where very out of touch with God as well. After my ex I had always hoped that God would find someone else to fill in the void that was left in my heart. Kevin had just left his wife and was in the middle of a legal battle that would turn our relationship sour. I remember also that we made some very fast and very stupid choices that would cause us many years of heartbreak and problems. I look back now and shake my head and ask myself what was I thinking and why would I have ever had made the commitment to stay in such a broken and difficult relationship. I moved in with Kevin shortly after we met and then had to move back out because of legal and other situations that made my staying there impossible. I ended up alone living with my parents, taking care of my daughter , and my grandmother. Our love was through a phone and 180 miles apart with short visits to see each other. I usually would "spend" as much time with him as I could to keep the connection strong, although that connection was mostly lust . I knew that I was not following what God wanted for me and I knew that I was starting up something that would effect our lives for a very long time.  We soon found out that we where expecting our son and of course with the situation being the way it was, I was at home with my family and Kevin was working on our lives. When he left the military it caused a huge money shortage and left me stressed and worried how we would make it. When our son Kason was born, I think then it clicked that I needed to hold onto Kevin and never let go because I knew I could not survive without him. I prayed that with Kason we could be that blessed blended family and we would finally catch a break from the drama and pain we where going through. We talked often of me moving out to where he was and tried and tried to save the money to do so. We where completely blown away when Kason started to have health issues, it was a blow not only to our hearts but our pockets as well providing Kasons needs. It almost seemed like at the time that I was loosing my son and then I was also loosing myself. I would often become angry on the phone with Kevin and blame him for things that he could not control. I begged him for months to move us out there with him, but as usual there was a excuse and we where turned down. I think that's what killed the lustful part of our relationship, we had nothing left but our son , my daughter and tattered dreams.

In frustration I was willing to do anything to help make the moving process happen faster and easier for us all,  so I decided to go back to work and move in with my birth father that I had just met  . I moved to a new city and began to work at Walmart and then at a home for mentally challenged adults. My birthfather often watch pornography and would often gest and laugh at me and drunkenly admit that he was interested in me. My children usually where with my birthmother that lived across town and I tried the best I could to get money put back so eventually I could move out and get us all a house to live in. My birthfather did his best to break us up. He would hide my phone and would answer calls and tell off anyone that called. He made me call Kevin names and tell him that I didn't love him in order to live with him. It wasn't until he paid a man to assault me that I finally moved out and into my birthmothers house. I remember the night that I called Kevin to come get me .I remember melting in his arms and thanking the Lord that I had him to hold. We began to find trust and a connection. After a few months I found out I was pregnant again. This time it was kind of  shock to the both of us as I was on birth control. Kevin started to ask questions and wondered why I had gotten pregnant so easily since we had not " been" together much.  We soon would argue over everything and would not come to terms with the life that we where living again. He questioned the validity of the baby belonging to him as well, blaming me for lying to him about some other infidelities. I begged him to believe me and that I knew that he was the father of our youngest.  I finally got on my knees and decided that it was time to change how I was looking at life. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to allow us a life together so that we could become a family and to heal the wounds that I and he had created. A week after our son Kaleb was born I was off to a new life with him, we where finally going to become a family. I moved back to a West Texas city that had been the start of my otherwise complicated life. I hated the idea of settling down in a  town where my past seemed to catch up with me. I felt like I was suffocating slowly with all the house work and the demand of three small children. We also attended a little church and found a new home for ourselves. We would often try to go and then miss because Kevin having to work. We soon made excuses as well to a congregation that helped us out more than they will ever know.  We would often spend money on stupid things and when bills came due, it would cause us to be late and have things shut off. We would show up asking for help again and then never show up after we made promises of services. We came to such a low that we barely ever showed our faces out of shame. It made me miss the church home I had come from even more. I was trapped making choices with Kevin that I never wanted to.  Kevin became addicted gaming and  I was alone in the corner begging for attention from him . It wasn't until we where evicted for the second time that he finally started to work longer and later days to provide for us With no time to play video games he also became angry and more distant . That December  I had to move back  to Dallas with my family for a few weeks. I became very irritable watching how everyone else's life was working out and mine was a mess all over again. Finally Kevin told me it was ok to come back and we had the money to find a new place to live.  We signed a lease in my name for a 3 bedroom apartment. We where finally living together again and i couldn't be any happier than I was, but it was short lived due to Kevin being kicked out.  This  was enough to send me over the edge! Most nights I would cry till I fell asleep. I would Beg Kevin to get us out of the apartment and move us to a house because the neighbor downstairs was threatening me.  I remember the night we fought so much that he said he could not take it anymore and that he wanted to leave. I was crushed and again fell on my knees and begged the Lord to touch our hearts and show us how we are to love one another and to help us . I kept praying and hoping that this train wreck would eventually stop and my children and I could have a normal life. Slowly we both started talking about moving into a house, then my parents wanted to move in and help us. We started saying I love you a lot more and every night my prayers where of that deep need to be loved and know what love was. After 8 months I finally was able to move in with him and my parents. Shortly after we got married, we decided that if we had came so far and had not given up there must be something there to hold onto.

 I remember our wedding like it was yesterday, I looked at him and remembered again why I had decided to attempt to love him. Memories flooded my mind of all the wonderful things we had shared through all the heartache. I remembered the night he helped me clean up after Kalli when she vomited all over my friends floor after our first date and stayed with me at the hospital to care for her. I remember him whispering " stay strong" while I was in labor , and how his eyes welled up when he heard our son Kason cry for the first time. I remember him walking in mad because he had missed the birth of Kaleb ( our youngest child) and then laughing when Kaleb quickly filled his diaper in his arms. We decided on a Justice of the Peace wedding. I wanted something bigger, but at the time it was all we could afford. I remember picking our outfits , making sure the hue of royal blue was the same. I remember picking up his ring that we had for years out of the safe and looking at it . It was scratched and beaten up, just like we where. My wedding ring was so new that even the writing in the band was sharp and the diamonds where like tiny stars gleaming in white gold . I had hope that maybe, like my ring we where at the beginning of something new and beautiful. When we arrived we walked in expecting something that was going to be quick and rather meaningless. We where shocked when the justice of the peace started to read this

" You are entering into a union which is most scared, a union established by God Himself in the Garden of Eden. He sanctified human love and gave man a part in continuation of the human race. No greater blessing can come to a man and a woman than to be joined in Holy Wedlock. May the love you now share, never grow less, but grow deeper and sweeter, as the years go by. If true love and the Spirit of Sacrifice guide your every action, you may expect happiness beyond measure. The rest is in the hands of God"

I smiled as he read this , it was healing and reassuring that if we had gotten this far we could go farther. I remember the rings and my vows to Kevin, how wonderful it was to kiss him as his wife for the first time. I won't go into our wedding night as that is the greatest secret of marriage. It's not a show and tell moment. It is the truest form of love to lay ones life down for the person they love. Looking back, if I had to do it all over again , I would have chosen to keep my dignity and my heart closed until the right moment.  Love is patient.. Love will find you and make sure you give it to someone worth while.  We are coming up on our anniversary and I cannot wait to celebrate such a joyous day again. I pray that the Lord continues to bring us closer and helps build us stronger!

Beautifully Broken Part 1: What Broke me

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way , though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling" Pslam 46:1-3

" Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies , and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love , O lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands."
 Psalm 138 : 7-8


I often think back to how God always has a purpose for all the painful things that happen to us and a plan how to rebuild us . He never promised us that it would be easy or that we would get everything we want. Satan is always trying to find a way to break us away from the Lord in order to break us down. Maybe if I would have remembered I was loved by the Almighty I wouldn't be the beautifully broken wife I am now. I think that all of us face giants and we sometimes fail and allow ourselves to be overtaken. I wish someone would have explained to me better on how even a few life events would bring me here. I guess the best way to tell you how I have gotten here , is by telling it all first.

I was born in 1988 to an unwed mother . I was the product of a relationship that would never work out. She decided at the time that she would be better off giving me to a family that could care for me better than she could. I have heard stories from her that giving me away was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life. For a month I stayed in an awesome foster home with a foster mother and father who loved me dearly and cared for me until they agency found me a home. My parents came to get me around the time I was 4 weeks old. I have been told that I was very little and that my dad was afraid to hold me. I grew up in a suburb Of Dallas, Texas and lived in a tiny 2 bedroom house. I was very spoiled and loved by a tight knit family. Holidays where always busy, birthdays where always attended and there was never a lack of love. I know as a child I was blessed to at least have a good start in life, some are not as blessed as I was. I also attended a rather large congregation at a Church of Christ. My weekends always consisted of going to church service , coming home and eating my dads roast and then sometimes going and seeing my grandparents. Life was very interrupted by the tragic loss of my brother ( my adoptive fathers son) and then the loss of both my grandpas. As I grew my parents worked longer and later nights and I would go stay with my grandmother and my aunt . I was blessed with several cousins close in age to play with and would often go to their houses to play.  When I reached 5th Grade My mother had an job offer to teach at a private school. So she decided to pull me out of public and put me in school there. It was one of the worst years that I had ever had, . She and I both where treated very badly and she ended up leaving there and refused to teach there ever again. Barely passing 5th I went back into public school and started my middle school year. 7 and 8th grade where the hardest as far as the bullying and it continued into my sophomore year. I would often go online and chat with friends and then with strangers. I had hoped that maybe I would find someone that would find time to talk to me and also love me for me. I had changed everything about myself . I was no longer this sweet little Christian girl, I became angry with the world and God. I claimed to be a Pagan and that I would rather practice in that religion. My parents tried everything to break me of the practice and would ground me and yell at me telling me that it wasn't real and that God would be very upset with me.  This was just the start of all the things that would break me, that would bring me here.

I met two men online and would often use the webcam to chat with them. One wanted to come get me and allow me a escape from the pain I was going through at school and at home. I ended up running away with him and was raped for 5 days straight. He turned out to be a 31 year old pedophile and it took the police finding me to finally get away. After coming home I was placed in a children's home where I was told I would never become anyone because I was damaged goods. So with that mentality I ran away again with the other man ( my ex)  that I had met online years before. I was homeless most of the time, eating cans of corn and whatever I could get when I lived with the 4 or 5 people that opened their homes up to me. My ex was always out getting drunk or high and I was the one working. He would come home and yell at me and sometimes would slap me if I got onto him about how long he was out. He eventually got me kicked out of the apartment that I lived in because he spent the rent money on weed. I found out about three months after I moved there that I was pregnant . Even with the beatings I had and the idea of having someone to love made my heart melt. I remember hearing my daughters heartbeat for the first time. I knew in my heart at that point that not even man could create something that beautiful . My first prayer spilled from my lips after 3 years of being silent.

" Lord... Lord .. can you hear me?!  I am sorry Lord for all I have said and done. I want forgiveness.. I want to feel your presence in my heart and my soul again. Lord please here me , I need your help. I am scared and feel very alone and I want to know that it will all be ok. Lord I know only you could create something so beautiful, so wonderful. Lord can I be your child again?"

Bad things kept happening to me, I was blamed for causing a fight between my friend and her husband. I was hit by my ex in the stomach and was rushed by a taxi driver to the hospital. I finally had enough and decided it was time to go home. I came back to a family who begged me to give my daughter away. I was called every name by some of the members of the church family I grew up in. This time I wasn't afraid.. I was upset by everything that was gong on, but my focus was on my sweet baby girl. I started to pray more and attend church more often despite the cruel words and nasty looks. I was bound to give my daughter a life surrounded by God and  give her to the Almighty one day, unbroken..  Eventually someone decided to take pity and decided  to throw me a baby shower. I was blessed to have all the support and gifts that was given to me. Then my family came around and threw me a surprise baby shower as well. I felt at peace and decided to raise my daughter and forget my past. I told my ex I would tell him when the time came for me to give birth to her so he could at least be there. He never showed the day she was born, instead called me a slut and hung up on me. Destroyed and alone in my tiny recovery room I leaned over and picked up a tiny baby girl wrapped in a bright pink blanket. Tears streamed down my face onto her little face. I remember holding onto her constantly, barely ever letting her go just to feel like I had someone close.  When I left to go home dozens of friends and family came to see her. I smiled at the excitement of the moment, but when they all left I was back to being alone. I again prayed that someday , if it was Gods plan for me , that I would find someone to love us.. And I did...