A needed change, a new life .

Two weeks after writing  my last entry ,I started praying for guidance on how to treat my husband and how to be a better wife. But like usual I was being selfish asking God to make my husband see my pain and my anger. I kept begging that Kevin would understand with my health struggles that I was not going to be the stay at home mother he wanted me to be . Soon I noticed he would come home more angry than when he left, he would complain about dinner not being made and the house being a mess. He would not have sympathy for me when I told him that I wasn't feeling well. While I was really not feeling well, I would often stay up all night and then choose not to get up and clean the house . We already had hired someone to come and clean so that I wouldn't get overwhelmed, but even with her help I was allowing the laundry to pile up (mostly ours) and things to get so unorganized that we where often digging through piles of paperwork to find bills. Things became so bad that I finally threatened to walk out, I was sick of cleaning up after him and the children . He returned back that he was done too, he was sick of working all day and then be expected to come home and help me around the house. I remember marching to my room and slamming the door and then crying my eyes out. I can't tell you everything I said in prayer because some of those thoughts where so hateful. I begged God with all my heart while my head was on the floor and my hands where in a fist. I begged him to soften my heart, that because of my past I am insecure. My choices in life till now was the reason I was so scared of submitting, letting go, and trusting that everything would be ok! Finally I stopped crying , gathered myself up and walked out of the room. Kevin was on the floor playing with the boys making them laugh and giggle by silly antics, our daughter was watching gleefully on and laughing as well. What happened opened my eyes and I heard in my head " see what I can do , you prayed years ago to be a mother and a wife. Do you not have exactly what you want? Did I not fulfill a prayer?" Finally our eyes met and I saw that twinkle that had sent me head over heels for him. An hour before we could no stand each other, but here we where looking at each other like we had the first day we met. That night we managed to heal wounds and talk through the issues we where having. However I knew just talking it over wouldn't be enough either. I prayed again that the Lord would guide me and allow me the wisdom to start making better and less self driven strides to be a better wife.

A few days later I was browsing through Facebook and ran into a page. It was a woman writing about her struggles with her marriage. While our lives where so different , we struggled with some of the same things. Her marriage was also much different than mine, she had been a virgin at her wedding. I however was far from the pure and untouched bride that in my youth I had strived to be. Reading on I also read about several women who where virgins on their wedding night struggling to figure out where to start. I almost wanted to go through the screen and say what where you not told and why are you so lost. I stopped and sighed as I remember I was too lost about where to even start. I had managed to walk away alive out of a rape, survived an abusive relationship and then managed to make it work with my husband. I realized that God has a purpose for being lost the first time, can you imagine knowing everything about your spouse and then not having anything to discover? How boring would that be? I continued to read through the vast amounts of articles and then stumbled on a article about how our actions directly effect our husbands attitude and then I read about how I should submit, but not feel powerless. Suddenly I was this knowledge hungry woman! I would read the articles and then go in my bible and make notes and highlight the verses that spoke to me. Slowly I became this different being. I would find myself browsing more and more blogs and websites. I finally prayed again and said 

" Lord if this is your will for me, give me the drive to be a better wife and more intimate with you. Let nothing come between us and let me learn how I am to be. Lord I am asking you to also bless my marriage and forgive the both of us for our sins. Let me understand the love that Christ has for his church." 

As these words poured out I smiled feeling free of the pain and the hurt that had been building on my shoulders. I felt Jesus come and say let go and let me carry this for awhile .  I knew and know that I will stumble again. I will have a bad day and be out of sorts and I will have a time when my flesh is weak. I however now have hope that God will never leave my side. That I have started to let go and allow myself the chance to heal and give myself the new me to shine, the pure me to shine.