Beautifully broken Part 2 : Meeting my husband and learning what love is how God intended for us

7 years ago we met through friends and had one of those whirlwind romances. At the time both of us where very immature and we where both looking for a quick fix to our broken hearts. I was a single mom, Kevin was a lonely and broken Ssgt in the US Air Force. We both had blows to our hearts as young teens/adults and were so confused on how to live life and how to love. Both of us where very out of touch with God as well. After my ex I had always hoped that God would find someone else to fill in the void that was left in my heart. Kevin had just left his wife and was in the middle of a legal battle that would turn our relationship sour. I remember also that we made some very fast and very stupid choices that would cause us many years of heartbreak and problems. I look back now and shake my head and ask myself what was I thinking and why would I have ever had made the commitment to stay in such a broken and difficult relationship. I moved in with Kevin shortly after we met and then had to move back out because of legal and other situations that made my staying there impossible. I ended up alone living with my parents, taking care of my daughter , and my grandmother. Our love was through a phone and 180 miles apart with short visits to see each other. I usually would "spend" as much time with him as I could to keep the connection strong, although that connection was mostly lust . I knew that I was not following what God wanted for me and I knew that I was starting up something that would effect our lives for a very long time.  We soon found out that we where expecting our son and of course with the situation being the way it was, I was at home with my family and Kevin was working on our lives. When he left the military it caused a huge money shortage and left me stressed and worried how we would make it. When our son Kason was born, I think then it clicked that I needed to hold onto Kevin and never let go because I knew I could not survive without him. I prayed that with Kason we could be that blessed blended family and we would finally catch a break from the drama and pain we where going through. We talked often of me moving out to where he was and tried and tried to save the money to do so. We where completely blown away when Kason started to have health issues, it was a blow not only to our hearts but our pockets as well providing Kasons needs. It almost seemed like at the time that I was loosing my son and then I was also loosing myself. I would often become angry on the phone with Kevin and blame him for things that he could not control. I begged him for months to move us out there with him, but as usual there was a excuse and we where turned down. I think that's what killed the lustful part of our relationship, we had nothing left but our son , my daughter and tattered dreams.

In frustration I was willing to do anything to help make the moving process happen faster and easier for us all,  so I decided to go back to work and move in with my birth father that I had just met  . I moved to a new city and began to work at Walmart and then at a home for mentally challenged adults. My birthfather often watch pornography and would often gest and laugh at me and drunkenly admit that he was interested in me. My children usually where with my birthmother that lived across town and I tried the best I could to get money put back so eventually I could move out and get us all a house to live in. My birthfather did his best to break us up. He would hide my phone and would answer calls and tell off anyone that called. He made me call Kevin names and tell him that I didn't love him in order to live with him. It wasn't until he paid a man to assault me that I finally moved out and into my birthmothers house. I remember the night that I called Kevin to come get me .I remember melting in his arms and thanking the Lord that I had him to hold. We began to find trust and a connection. After a few months I found out I was pregnant again. This time it was kind of  shock to the both of us as I was on birth control. Kevin started to ask questions and wondered why I had gotten pregnant so easily since we had not " been" together much.  We soon would argue over everything and would not come to terms with the life that we where living again. He questioned the validity of the baby belonging to him as well, blaming me for lying to him about some other infidelities. I begged him to believe me and that I knew that he was the father of our youngest.  I finally got on my knees and decided that it was time to change how I was looking at life. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to allow us a life together so that we could become a family and to heal the wounds that I and he had created. A week after our son Kaleb was born I was off to a new life with him, we where finally going to become a family. I moved back to a West Texas city that had been the start of my otherwise complicated life. I hated the idea of settling down in a  town where my past seemed to catch up with me. I felt like I was suffocating slowly with all the house work and the demand of three small children. We also attended a little church and found a new home for ourselves. We would often try to go and then miss because Kevin having to work. We soon made excuses as well to a congregation that helped us out more than they will ever know.  We would often spend money on stupid things and when bills came due, it would cause us to be late and have things shut off. We would show up asking for help again and then never show up after we made promises of services. We came to such a low that we barely ever showed our faces out of shame. It made me miss the church home I had come from even more. I was trapped making choices with Kevin that I never wanted to.  Kevin became addicted gaming and  I was alone in the corner begging for attention from him . It wasn't until we where evicted for the second time that he finally started to work longer and later days to provide for us With no time to play video games he also became angry and more distant . That December  I had to move back  to Dallas with my family for a few weeks. I became very irritable watching how everyone else's life was working out and mine was a mess all over again. Finally Kevin told me it was ok to come back and we had the money to find a new place to live.  We signed a lease in my name for a 3 bedroom apartment. We where finally living together again and i couldn't be any happier than I was, but it was short lived due to Kevin being kicked out.  This  was enough to send me over the edge! Most nights I would cry till I fell asleep. I would Beg Kevin to get us out of the apartment and move us to a house because the neighbor downstairs was threatening me.  I remember the night we fought so much that he said he could not take it anymore and that he wanted to leave. I was crushed and again fell on my knees and begged the Lord to touch our hearts and show us how we are to love one another and to help us . I kept praying and hoping that this train wreck would eventually stop and my children and I could have a normal life. Slowly we both started talking about moving into a house, then my parents wanted to move in and help us. We started saying I love you a lot more and every night my prayers where of that deep need to be loved and know what love was. After 8 months I finally was able to move in with him and my parents. Shortly after we got married, we decided that if we had came so far and had not given up there must be something there to hold onto.

 I remember our wedding like it was yesterday, I looked at him and remembered again why I had decided to attempt to love him. Memories flooded my mind of all the wonderful things we had shared through all the heartache. I remembered the night he helped me clean up after Kalli when she vomited all over my friends floor after our first date and stayed with me at the hospital to care for her. I remember him whispering " stay strong" while I was in labor , and how his eyes welled up when he heard our son Kason cry for the first time. I remember him walking in mad because he had missed the birth of Kaleb ( our youngest child) and then laughing when Kaleb quickly filled his diaper in his arms. We decided on a Justice of the Peace wedding. I wanted something bigger, but at the time it was all we could afford. I remember picking our outfits , making sure the hue of royal blue was the same. I remember picking up his ring that we had for years out of the safe and looking at it . It was scratched and beaten up, just like we where. My wedding ring was so new that even the writing in the band was sharp and the diamonds where like tiny stars gleaming in white gold . I had hope that maybe, like my ring we where at the beginning of something new and beautiful. When we arrived we walked in expecting something that was going to be quick and rather meaningless. We where shocked when the justice of the peace started to read this

" You are entering into a union which is most scared, a union established by God Himself in the Garden of Eden. He sanctified human love and gave man a part in continuation of the human race. No greater blessing can come to a man and a woman than to be joined in Holy Wedlock. May the love you now share, never grow less, but grow deeper and sweeter, as the years go by. If true love and the Spirit of Sacrifice guide your every action, you may expect happiness beyond measure. The rest is in the hands of God"

I smiled as he read this , it was healing and reassuring that if we had gotten this far we could go farther. I remember the rings and my vows to Kevin, how wonderful it was to kiss him as his wife for the first time. I won't go into our wedding night as that is the greatest secret of marriage. It's not a show and tell moment. It is the truest form of love to lay ones life down for the person they love. Looking back, if I had to do it all over again , I would have chosen to keep my dignity and my heart closed until the right moment.  Love is patient.. Love will find you and make sure you give it to someone worth while.  We are coming up on our anniversary and I cannot wait to celebrate such a joyous day again. I pray that the Lord continues to bring us closer and helps build us stronger!